Aunty ji :D

It is said, people get wiser as they age. The reason for this is that, unlike the young, the elderly's brains are not really ruled by the chemicals that fuel emotion and impulse, the Dopamine!  So their slower responses really are more thoughtful and 'wiser'.

With due respect, there are few who just morph into a wrinkled adolescent as they age! The landlady, who happens to live downstairs, is one such human xD
Since the day, I’ve arrived here, there hasn’t been a day where she has failed to make me laugh and surprise me by her miser ways.

A little physical description might help you to visualize her better. She’s short, reaches till somewhere near my neck, petite; roams about the house bare feet most of the times, whispers in a voice that’s barely audible- yet she continuously murmurs something; has salt and pepper hair that are always tied in a bun and would be seen poking her nose in almost every chore that goes about in the house.

Some early day-
Whilst I was having my breakfast, she comes over and asks in a very polite manner, “ khana kaisa bana hai?”
I- (wipes the nose, that has already started to run)aunty bahut mirchi hai, please mera khana alag se nikal dia karo, I can’t eat spicy food.
She bends over to taste the food that SHE has prepared and says “ye toh zada ho gya aaj, itna toh kha hi leti hain ladkiyan, charpara kahana…” and looks at me for some sort of approval. Finding none, she continues, “ but, ma ka dil toh ma ka dil hai, sabka dhyaan rakhna padta hai, koi baat nahi, thodi mehnat ki baat hai, kar denge”
I look sheepishly at her, knowing not what to respond but somehow manage a grin and thanked her.
There hasn’t been a single day since then when she and her cook haven’t given a taunted remark to me.
“mirchi zada toh nahi ho raha?”
“aapko pata chal jaega jab mirchi lagegi” :|
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So I was waiting for the female in front of me to fill her plate when aunty comes down running, panting and speaking in a voice that was very new to my ears which had by now accustomed themselves to decipher her murmurs. We look at her in a questioning way.
“Dunia khatam ho rahi hai. News me dikha rahe hain, mangal, rahu…dharti me bada sa crack aa jaega, sab khatam” and starts chanting
I couldn’t control my laughter and burst out speaking “aunty! Last year bhi shor tha, kuch nahi hoga. Chill!”
Seeing this, the other female nods and leaves the place.
Aunty comes and says “ science ne kar li hogi tarakki but yeh sab bhi sach hai, aise haste nahi..”
I was about to speak of the Mayans and Armageddon when I realized it would be pointless to say anything to her. I nodded myself and left. She continued to stare at me, till the time I climbed up the stairs, out of her sight.
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This has been the routine.  Every.  Single. Day.  

I leave for the office and take my breakfast at the dining table itself that is in the open area, right next to the kitchen. There’s a ceiling fan, that is huge for the room, and there isn’t even one there are 2 of it. It is very fancy, though. There is a chandelier that hangs with it, and they have put on CFLs in each of the holders.
So, I switch it on and see that it still hasn’t started to do the very purpose of moving the hot air, which it is supposed to do. I call Aunty and say that there seems to be something wrong with the fan. She casually comes over, takes a stick that was next to the wall, and hits the blade of the fan!

“ Ye pankha bahut mehnga hai, regular wala nai hai, wood ke blades hain iske, woh bhi 5-6… pata hai kitne ka hai?”

I shake my head and continued looking at her while she calculated something in her head. Then as a way of remembering she snaps her fingers and says with glittering eyes “ 15-16 thousand. Humne toh sari cheezien branded lagwai hain. Iska toh remote bhi hai, but kya karien cell weak ho jata hai toh baar baar kaun laye, isliye regulator lagwa lia”

I couldn’t just believe my eyes and ears. That day I felt so bad for the fan; it was meant to be remote controlled and here it was, getting a kick every single time it has to be switched on.

“Pata hai, fittings bhi jaguar ki hain”

I remembered that the tap in my washroom wasn’t working fine. The pressure was too low, it was just dropping water. So I said “uppar ka tap bhi dikhwa deejiyega ek baar, pressure aa hi nahi raha”

She makes a face and says, “ lo batao! Sabse ache wala lagwaya taaki ladkiyon ko problem na ho, call kar dungi… me jab lene gai thi na, inhone kaha tha ki photo click karwao..”

I narrowed my eyes and looked enquiringly at her while trying to gulp in the food that was served to me.

“arrey, salesman wale, customer the na hum. Mene kaha meri photo matt lo, me toh 64 years ki hun ab…”  

“lagti hun  kahin se?” she asked me abruptly.
“ umm… aunty kya kehte phir salesman?”
I could sense she was disappointed by my remark but she anyhow told me that she uses aloe vera and drinks green tea.

Before leaving, out of curiosity I checked the CFLs. They don’t work either! xD

In the evening, comes the landlord. He has a ranch in one hand and a screw driver in the other. “Beta! Kaun sa nal kharab hai?”
I lead him to the washroom and pointed to the sink there. Whatever happened to the calling of service man? As long as they are happy about it, I really shouldn’t bother them, I thought. He happily did something something and before leaving gave me a toothless smile. I could just nod still trying to process what had really happened.
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There are just so many things that it is impossible for me to list them down all at once.
~Later!